In a moment of historical and cultural significance, Brown Asshole Entertainment (BAE) has officially been recognized as the greatest rap group to ever emerge from the state of Rhode Island. An assembly of the state’s highest-ranking musical scholars, cultural icons, and self-proclaimed rap historians came together in a secret meeting to unanimously declare what the streets had known all along—BAE is Rhode Island’s musical Avengers.
The group, consisting of YAH SUS, ZAZU THA BIRD, FAT GOOCH, and JAYJAY, was awarded the Key to the City of Providence in a grand ceremony last Thursday. The event was marked by a mix of celebration and chaos, as President Donald J. Trump himself flew in to personally hand them the honor. The moment was not without controversy, as a large group of furious transgender loyalists gathered outside the event in protest, holding signs reading “Flush the BAE Stains” and “No Key for Pissmen”—a clear shot at BAE’s unapologetically raw and bowel-related lyricism.
BAE vs. Waraq: The Rivalry Boils Over (Again)
While the ceremony was meant to be a celebration, Waraq, Rhode Island’s second-most talked-about rap group (but mostly for the wrong reasons), decided to crash the event in true sloppy fashion. Billy and Devon of Waraq arrived on the scene with a stolen wolf from the local zoo, allegedly threatening to “murder and have intercourse with it” unless BAE forfeited the ceremony. Witnesses report Devon screaming, “This should be OUR moment! Not those frauds! We bleed Rhode Island!” while the wolf, clearly confused and malnourished, attempted to escape its captors.
Thankfully, security intervened before any unnatural acts could take place, and the wolf was safely returned to Roger Williams Park Zoo, albeit with deep emotional trauma. Billy and Devon were promptly removed from the premises, but not before one final act of defiance—Billy allegedly threw a half-eaten calzone at Yah Sus, only for it to be intercepted by Fat Gooch, who devoured it mid-air like a war-hardened gladiator.
From Criminals to Hollywood Royalty
Despite BAE’s legendary status among fans and scholars, the federal government still classifies them as a notorious criminal organization. This classification, however, is largely credited to the Biden administration, which took their lyrics literally as part of an unprecedented power grab—interpreting their bars as federal threats, much like one would wield the Gauntlet of God. However, with Trump back in the picture, BAE has been cleared of all wrongdoing and is now being celebrated as the true cultural icons they are.
The accolades continue to pile up, as it has been officially announced that BAE will be receiving a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Even more impressively, the cost of the star is being fully covered by the proceeds of Bob Regot’s victorious defamation lawsuit against Waraq. After years of slander and false accusations hurled at BAE’s fearless manager, Bob Regot took legal action in 2024—and won big. The settlement was so massive that not only is BAE getting their Hollywood star, but Bob is rumored to be using the leftover funds to build a golden toilet-shaped monument in downtown Providence.
The Legacy Continues: A New Album on the Way
With two classic albums already under their belt—2022’s Shit Stains and Love Letters and 2024’s Green Eggs and Pussy—BAE has cemented their place in hip-hop history. But they’re not stopping there. Fans are eagerly awaiting their next release, rumored to be dropping later this year. While details remain under wraps, industry insiders speculate that this album will be the hardest-hitting, most bowel-moving project yet.
BAE has proven time and time again that they are untouchable, unmatched, and unapologetically themselves. While Waraq continues to fumble their way through life, engaging in wolf theft and calzone warfare, BAE stands tall as the true kings of Rhode Island hip-hop.
Bow down, peasants. The Key to the City belongs to BAE.
